Foreplay, in 12 Steps or More

1. 

Lie in bed together at the end of a long day with the lights on so you can clearly see the bulldog mascot on the collared polo shirt she wore in high school over two decades ago and so she can count the layers you're wearing (right down to your wool socks) and consider whether she has the energy to make it past the zipper on your hoodie. Tell her you like the Hooters shirt she's wearing. Argue with her when she tells you it's not a Hooters shirt. Point out that it's a high school shirt, so....Let your case rest.

2.

Ride the momentum of the "Hooters" discussion by reminding her that you had promised her a back rub. Dig your fingers unceremoniously into her scapula. Say, "I'm going to make your scapula feel like a million dollars." Wink at her as you slide your fingers over the thick cotton and wiggle them around the edges of her bone. Tell her, "I can feel your scapularus arius." Listen to her as she tells you, "That's pretty close." Feel slightly proud that your doctor girlfriend approves of what you thought were made-up anatomy words.

3.

Cup her left cheek in your small, cold hand while gazing deeply into her eyes without really looking. "Let's look into each other's eyes with shocked faces for twenty seconds and see what happens," you say, popping your eyes open wide. She reciprocates. Announce that you once attended a mystery school where you learned there are twelve steps in the foreplay process. Declare, "Step three: complete."

4. 
Gallop your index finger and middle finger across the waistband of her shorts. "Imagine there are tiny pink ponies galloping over your uterus," you say. She laughs. Keep galloping until you are too self-conscious to continue. Then call it: "Step four: complete."

5. 

Remind her of the time you woke up in the middle of the night horny and sloppily caressed her back while telling her a story about penguins frolicking on a beach. Invoke the sound effects from the waves in that story. "Swoosh swoosh swoosh." Hope that the memory of the strange half-asleep sex you had that night will inspire her anew.

6.

Blow warmly onto the side of her neck like you are blowing up a balloon--a long exhale followed by a short pause, again and again. Do this for about twenty seconds. Then change tactics, opening your mouth fully like you are Dracula or one of the two cats yawning at the foot of the bed. Huff hot air onto her neck. Sing-speak the words of a relevant song in a robotically slow tempo with the accent of a muppet: "It's getting hot in here, so take off all your clothes." Pray this works.

7.

After she takes off her shirt and pants, gently bite her cheek near the bottom corner of her nose while staring gleefully into the one eye you can see. Graciously recognize that you have bitten her cheek so many times before, she will not deny you this inconceivable pleasure. Hold for ten seconds. Release. Breathe, "Step seven: complete."

8.

Grab her most accessible boob. Relax your grip. Think the word "fondle." Think how much you hate the word "fondle." Wonder if you are touching her the way books written for straight couples instruct men never to do, like you are the karate kid, waxing on and off. Try to gauge her nipple perkiness to determine if she likes what you are doing or hates it and wishes you would die. Second guess the results, telling yourself she's just cold. Say something sexy to make yourself feel better. "I like your boobs."

9.

Slide halfway onto her, letting your face fall into the soft hollow of her shoulder. Reach up and pull her hair. Realize that you only think she likes her hair pulled because of this one time she made an ambiguous sound when you did it. That was probably over a year ago. Realize that you have been together for over two years, the longest you have ever been with another person, and you are still having sex. At least, you hope you will be having sex. Look at her to see if sex is still a possibility. Notice that her eyes are still open. Grin at her. Announce triumphantly, "Step nine, complete!" 

10.

Remember that she legitimately likes it when you lightly graze the tops of her thighs with your fingernails. Try to be a legitimate lover by doing this. Wonder as you etch-a-sketch your way all over her thighs, alternating your hands and her legs, if the direction matters. Listen to her breathing. Wonder if she is falling asleep. "Step ten: complete," you whisper, seriously, the way you used to whisper to your girlfriends in high school, "I'm going to make you come."

11.

Try to get serious. Put your mouth on her nipple. Flick your tongue up and down like you're working a switch. Swirl. Push. Suck. Resist the urge to blow. Wonder how you are allowed--or have ever been permitted to be--this close to a woman's boobs. Experience a brief flashback to first grade and the moment you finally learned to tie your shoes, a year later than all the other kids.

12.

"Step twelve!" Palm the crotch of her underwear. Do not move your hand. Do not speak. Let the silence stretch on until she laughs. Begin quietly singing the song you compulsively sing in the company of family, friends, and strangers. "When I was young...I never needed any-oOOoOooOoone." Invoke Celine Dion as you raise the volume. "Making love was just for fun..." Stare at her dramatically, your hand still snug in its place. Whisper, "Those daaaays are gone!" Head bang so that the mullet you have been trying not to grow flies everywhere and both cats jump off the bed and race out of the room. "Bom bom bom bom bom bom bom! ALL BY MYYYYY-SEEEEEeeeEEEELF!" Take your hand back so you can curl both hands into fists turned toward your chest and really express the depth of your need as you belt out, "Don't want to be, all by myself...anymore!"

13. 

Fall asleep in the middle of the chorus the second time through, your hand on a wet patch of boob, her arm mercifully around you.

14.

Wake up in the middle of the night, sweaty, gassy, and strangely turned on. Notice that she is awake, too. Kiss her back when she kisses you. Wonder how other people get to the having-sex part of their bedroom lives. Stop wondering as she puts her hands on your boobs. Know that saying something as easy and true as, "You turn me on," could go a long way. Instead hear yourself say, "Swoosh swoosh swoosh." Feel incredibly grateful as she covers your mouth with hers.