Sunday, December 18, 2016

Getting It Out of the Way Before Getting It On

Maybe, unless you're expecting company, you use paper plates instead of the ones in your cabinet because you hate doing dishes. Maybe you wear socks with holes in them unless you're going to an interview, a doctor's office, or a new love interest's home. Maybe you own clip-on bowties because you don't know how to tie a tie. Perhaps you never leave the house without a toothpick in your pocket because you'd sooner be caught dead than have someone see a bit of lettuce lodged between your teeth. Maybe you still sleep with a teddy bear.

We all have quirks. Some of them make us charming. Some of them make us nerdy. For the most part, we like to keep our quirks under wraps, especially in the company of those we'd like to get it on with. But what if we got it all out of the way before getting it on? What if we came clean about our quirks?

I'll go first.

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Foreplay, in 12 Steps or More

1. 
Lie in bed together at the end of a long day with the lights on so you can clearly see the bulldog mascot on the collared polo shirt she wore in high school over two decades ago and so she can count the layers you're wearing (right down to your wool socks) and consider whether she has the energy to make it past the zipper on your hoodie. Tell her you like the Hooters shirt she's wearing. Argue with her when she tells you it's not a Hooters shirt. Point out that it's a high school shirt, so....Let your case rest.

2.
Ride the momentum of the "Hooters" discussion by reminding her that you had promised her a back rub. Dig your fingers unceremoniously into her scapula. Say, "I'm going to make your scapula feel like a million dollars." Wink at her as you slide your fingers over the thick cotton and wiggle them around the edges of her bone. Tell her, "I can feel your scapularus arius." Listen to her as she tells you, "That's pretty close." Feel slightly proud that your doctor girlfriend approves of what you thought were made-up anatomy words.